The Funny Side of Sex Dating Tips

From Bestselling Author Michele E. Gwynn, a former journalist who wrote a rather entertaining Sex & Relationships column for (before they closed their digital doors) comes these gems, these very humorous pearls of wisdom regarding dating. Published with her permission, of course. Enjoy.

My favorite dating tips!

Whatever you do, don’t poo!

That’s right! I said it, and don’t care how taboo the subject is because everyone does it. The problem is that many do it because anxiety upsets their stomach.

A first date can wreak havoc on your digestion. Trying to choose the least poo-provoking item on the menu can be a real challenge. I mean, can you just order a glass of water and a slice of bread? Honestly. And then there’s the layer of paranoia on top of the anxiety over surprise attack flatulence and impending poo that tends to get in the way of enjoying, nay, even comprehending what is happening during the date. You’re so wrapped up in concentrating on cheek control that you miss out on the conversation. Nothing is less comfortable than clenching all night long to prevent a sonic boom.

My recommendation is a simple one (it usually is, folks). Before going out on your date, take an anti-diarrheal (such as Immodium). The peace of mind it buys is priceless, and then there’s the bonus of having zero air bubbles gurgling their way down your shoot.

It’s a small preventative measure that will save your arse, literally!

Granny Panties Help Prevent Sex on a First Date!

You’re probably wondering what in the world is she talking about? Let me tell you. In the dating game, it’s never a good idea to sleep with a new guy on the first, or even the second date. It’s all about impressions, and in an effort to build a hopefully long lasting relationship, dropping your drawers before dinner’s even paid for is just trashy. All that guy is going to think of you after that is that for the price of a Golden Corral buffet, he got laid! You were worth all of $7.99 plus tax. Cocina!

I’m here to tell you a sure fire way to keep your critter locked away until you’ve racked up at least three Ruth Chris’s Steakhouse dinners (averaging $100 a piece). Would you say you’re worth at least $300 before slopping out the dessert cart? I should say so!

Here’s what you do. On dates one and two, make sure to wear only your most-outdated, largest, period-stained (because you know that’s the only time you wear these) panties! You will be too mortified for him to see you in anything less than a sexy thong to even consider turning your Chia pet loose.

Wait until date number three before tempting fate with the racy lacies. Preserve your mystery with Granny’s secret and save Victoria’s for that moment when you’ve accumulated enough dates for him to be worth your womanly wonders.

Remember, the large panties were only cute in Bridget Jones’ Diary. In real life, they’re better than a cold shower when it comes to dousing the flames of desire.

Leave Him simmering at the Front Door

You’ve been to dinner. You’ve seen a show and made eyes at each other all night. Cheeks are flushed and naughty parts are tingling, but you took my advice and wore those ancient, baggy-bottomed bottoms. So, shucking the clothes and going for it is out of the question lest you don’t mind watching the flames die in his eyes when he gets a load of your parachute panties! Now is the time to slay him with a sizzling goodnight kiss at the door. I’m talking about one of those wax-melting, barn burning lip locks that will have him fantasizing about dipping into your “pico de gato!”

The secret is in the sauce, right? So be saucy! Back off of that sizzler and say buenos noches. Then turn and walk into the house, slowly closing the door on his confused, lust-filled face. Give him a sassy wink before shutting the door completely.

Make sure he hears the lock click into place before you turn off the porch light. He’ll stand there for a moment, panting like a puppy, but for sure, he will call you tomorrow! And the good news is, in his aroused imagination, you were wearing a fire-engine red thong made of matchsticks all along!

You are one hot mama, and there’s a four alarm fire in his pantalones. No worries, Chica. He’ll be back for your fire sale!

Second Base Benefits

If you’ve followed tips 1, 2, 3, and 4 you should be right on track for letting that man slide into second base. I like to call this benefit “the breast stroke”, and it should be treated like an Olympic event! A woman’s breasts are more than just flotation devices in the event of an aquatic emergency. They are also the bearers of sustenance to infants worldwide, providing nutrition as well as being aesthetically pleasing. They are part of the beginning of every man’s existence, the font from which he partook and grew. Therefore, they should be worshiped as the red carpet divas that they are.
Men, pay attention! The boo boos are not transistor radios in need of tuning. They are velvety soft, ultra-sensitive erotic zones that deserve marked attention. This attention can range from soft outer area caresses to outright nipple tweaking. If you’re lucky enough to be allowed a taste of the Ta, make sure you apply yourself lovingly to both sides so that neither gets jealous!

Ladies, in preparation for a trip to the mammary zone, be sure to spritz on a light scent in the cleavage, and to house those puppies in satin and lace cargo carriers. Hoist ‘em up and fly them proudly! Your rack should be packaged so that it inspires a 21 gun salute and brings tears to the eyes of the beholder. By God, that lucky man should be hearing “Stars and Stripes Forever” by the time you’re done slowly revealing his homeland.

And like a soldier returning home, he will fall upon his knees and kiss the ground you walk on for just one glimpse of your mountains’ majesty. (cue music…)

Landscaping for Open House

Every episode of Curb Appeal on HGTV says the same thing; you won’t sell the house if the lawn isn’t pretty! So when preparing for your first “open house” with your new man, you better make sure to manicure your lawn for maximum sale-ability.

While some men may enjoy hacking their way through the great Australian outback with their machete, others are discouraged by the bush. Trimming back those tumbleweeds to a sedate putting green will improve his game. Plus, there’s a hygiene issue involved with going native. Those locs can hold all kinds of bacteria and therefore become a putrid pool of fetid perfume. A scent like that will only attract buzzards! So don’t allow your Chia pet to become road kill.

If you have the dinero, visit a salon for a professional bikini wax. Waxing last loads longer than shaving and it doesn’t leave beard stubble chafing his balls the next day. Another great way to landscape is to use Nair or Veet. These depilatories will de-hair you in no time. Just apply five minutes before your shower, then wash away the hair. It doesn’t last as long as waxing, but it’s less expensive.

Utilizing a feminine deodorant spray after bathing also helps keep the catch of the day as fresh as possible.

Remember that visual appeal comes first, followed only by aromatic appeal. Keep your begonia pruned and watered, and he’ll be stopping to "smell the roses!"

What’s sauce for the Goose

As stated in tip # 6, great curb appeal goes a long way when getting ready to throw the doors wide open and have a little private party. Women have to go through so much just to appear “natural”. Believe me, it’s anything but natural! All that cleansing, shaving, waxing, and lotioning (“she puts the lotion on the skin”…Okay, Buffalo Bill!) takes big blocks of time out of a woman’s day. Plus, it takes skill! So what’s sauce for the goose, baby, is sauce for the gander. And before we ladies get a gander at your goose, you better take some considerable time to “manscape” that landscape.

I had a reader write in about how hairy her honey was, and I advised her on the best way to get that Neanderthal to integrate into modern society by shaving off his body-beard. The reader darn-near gagged when first she gazed upon her boyfriend's abandoned lot. (check out that story here).

So let me break it down into terms men can understand as to why becoming a little metrosexual is so important. Are you listening, guys? Here goes!

The smell factor – Just as excess hair is a hygiene factor for women, so it is also for men. All the sweat, urine, and other bodily fluids that collect in that area will soak right into those hairs and cannot be wiped away with anything less than hot water and deodorant soap. Are you prepared to fully wash yourself all day long? I didn’t think so. Cut it back or shave it completely to prevent stinky bacterial buildup. Women like things that smell good so make sure your “thing” smell good!

The illusion of size – While you may actually have quite a stalk growing there, how in the world would she ever know it if half of it is concealed by ground cover? You can add nearly two inches, pain and drug free, by simply cutting off all that pubic hair! You know, a good haircut makes the man. So it should follow that a good pube cut will accentuate the manhood!

Penetration – Again, all that hair just gets in the way. It takes up space and cushions the blow, so to speak. As it takes away inches visually, it also takes those same inches away from meeting the full penetration potential. Why would you want to deprive your lady or yourself from two more inches of pleasurable penetration? Stop being stingy! Shave that Loch Ness monster and stretch his neck for the deep dive!

Oral appeal – It’s not just all about visual appeal. No one, I mean NO one wants to stick anything covered with hair into their mouths! And you were expecting a little oral gratification? Not with that hairy hot dog! Keeping your shaft, sac, and wall mounting smooth, as well as fresh, will start her salivating for your gourmet meal deal. Don’t forget to supersize it!

With all this sensitive scientific data at your fingertips, I’d be surprised if you weren’t already in the shower lathering up your love gear for a little “shave and a haircut”. 

Camel Toes and Moose Knuckles are a Deal Breaker

Everyone has seen a Camel Toe or a Moose Knuckle at some point in their life.  They may not have known what it was called, but they recognized it when they saw it!  A Camel Toe is the name given to a woman whose pants are so tight that her vagina is bi-sected for all the world to see.  Same goes for a man, but this fashion malfunction is termed a Moose Knuckle. 

The names conjure all kinds of funny images, but the sad reality is that having either a Camel Toe or a Moose Knuckle is a deal-breaker in the dating game.  Having one does, indeed, direct the eye to one's packaging, but the packaging is not attractive in this form.  A bulging eye is more attractive than this!

In San Antonio, one of the top ten most obese cities in America, Camel Toes and Moose Knuckles abound!  Yes, San Antonio has free-range crotch cleavage.  Why?  Spandex!  Like oil and water, obesity and spandex do not mix.  While spandex is comfortable, it's not the most flattering material to wear unless you happen to be an Olympic athlete with zero body fat; and even Olympic athletes get crotch cleavage!  (By the by, scrawny Camel Toes and Moose Knuckles are just as unsightly.)  Spandex is the devil's tool!

The dating tip to mind here is to never wear any material that produces a situation where anyone within 10 feet of you can "read" your body!  Honestly, if you're going to put your split-top out there like that, you may as well be naked.

I put out the question to my San Antonio peeps, "Would you ever date anyone who presented themselves with Camel Toes/Moose Knuckles? 

The answer was a resounding "No!"  One young lady said she thought it was "just trashy!"  ~ Maryetta C. 

Becky G. said "I wouldn't want a guy like that.  Any guy I date would NOT wear such tight pants!"

Dave G. shook his head and said "That's just wrong!" 

Brian Z. added, "If it's a random thing, it's not a big deal.  I see Shamu trainers (at SeaWorld, San Antonio) who get them because of their wet suits.  I don't think anything of it, but it's pretty funny at the time."

Juan D. - "Is it a permanent thing or will they ever wear something loose?'
So dating tip number 9 is crystal clear.  Camel Toes and Moose Knuckles are NOT synonymous with American Express; always leave home without them. 

Every Tom, Dick, and Harry v. BOB

In the battle of the boyfriends, a girl wonders every now and again if it’s all worth it to have LIVE over Memorex. What this means is this; choosing all the good, bad and ugly that comes with a living, breathing, burping boyfriend or finding a nice Battery Operated Boyfriend (with a warranty). So, for fun, I thought I’d break it down and then let you decide what works best for your situation.

B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) – Bob is a swell guy. He doesn’t even mind if you call him by another name! In many ways, he is the ideal man. Here’s why:

1. He comes in all shapes and sizes – He can stimulate you simultaneously in up to three different spots at once depending on the which type of vibrator you buy. It’s entirely up to your personal preference if he is large, small, compact, portable, smooth, ridged, cylindrical or life-like. BOB can move in small circles, have a tongue, vibrate like a purring kitten or roar like a Harley! This versatile lover comes with accoutrements such as stands for those who like to ride like a jockey on speed, or roll with the ocean waves. He even comes in awesome colors to include glow in the dark and neon.

2. He goes as long as you want him to – Yessir! Bob will go as little or as long as you deem necessary. All you need is back up batteries or a plug-in for your wall outlet. Both would be a good idea in case of a power outage. He never complains that his back hurts or he’s finished already so why aren’t you? When you say “Ondele” he says “Si, senorita!”

3. BOB doesn’t expect any tit for tat (so many ways to spin that pun) – When you’re finished, he goes quietly into that goodnight…..or the drawer, whichever. With BOB, it’s all about you, baby.

4. BOB loves sex – He loves all of it. He’ll never complain about where you put him. He’s into all the freaky-deaky, and the freaky-sneaky, too! BOB can hold his breathe better than a Navy SEAL (which might be a fun comparison for those ladies with access to a real Navy SEAL!)

5. BOB is easily replaceable and doesn’t mind sharing – You guessed it! You can have your BOB and eat Dick, too. Assuming your real, live sweetie’s name is Richard, BOB will pull a threesome at the drop of a pair of chonies! And when his motor gives up the ghost, he can be replaced without any drama.

Now let’s comparison shop the living boyfriend. We’ll call him Mr. Fleshie. This type comes with as many problems as advantages. Again, it boils down to preference.

1. His size is set – You can’t really pick the size you get with the real deal. It is what it is. So here’s hoping it’s a goody. As for the tongue accessory, you have to really readjust position for the real deal, and he might cop out on your before you’re finished. These models are prone to lingual cramping, slipped disks, Charlie horses, and premature ejaculation. It’s basically a crap shoot!

2. He won’t always go for as long as you want him to – Citing the previous complaints in numero uno, you may not get your money’s worth out of the human version. The good news is, there’s always Viagra (or a little hard liquor) to improve the run time.

3. This model will definitely want tit for tat – There’s no way around it. If he gives it, he’ll want to get it, so be careful where you stick him! He may even demand his portion up front, like a down payment or deposit. The good news is Mr. Fleshie can be negotiated with fairly easily. All you really need to do is send the blood out of his brain down south with a little manual manipulation. The brain is easily confused and agreeable without oxygen!

4. Mr. Fleshie loves sex, too – It’s true. This one loves sex so much he won’t wait for you to pull him out of the nightstand. Instead, he’ll sneak up behind you in bed, usually when you’re sound asleep and feeling not the least bit sexy, and beg and whine for sex like a dog begging for treats. Here’s a nice tip. Keep a rolled up newspaper handy to keep this frisky fellow in line. He may whine about it, but when you’re good and ready to “treat” him, he’ll forget all about his nocturnal reprimand.

5. Mr. Fleshie will only share with BOB – Yes, ma’am. Mr. Fleshie suffers from deep-rooted insecurity and will only share with BOB, and even then, may not want to be outdone by BOB’s high tech finesse. Mr. Fleshie also has limitations on his deep-sea diving abilities. He may not even be a sea-food lover at all! Unlike BOB, he has preferences. Like shape and size, the real, live model may not have all the options you were hoping for, and he’s difficult to upgrade!

However, another advantage to the real deal is this: when you want to be held, kissed, or just have a nice conversation, he’s your guy.

Here’s hoping that this little breakdown will put a smile on your face and also help you realize what you really want and need; both!


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